Quietly trying again

Today is my new day one ! I’ve been looking back through tools , recommendations and advice from so many .

Several important words and phrases stand out !

sincerity

tools

reading

treats

avoiding anger or at least managing to feel it in a measured sane way , then putting it aside

hope

peace

exercise

looking back at some recent posts and responses I’ve realized that Wolfie wasn’t only talking to me , he was using me to speak to others , I was channeling that voice !

i can understand why some people didn’t want to read it  or listen to it ! It’s hard enough keeping your own boat afloat without listening to some whiner taking all the O2 out of the room !

No more room to rent in my brain Wolfie !

Plus im definitely going for a couple of hours a day reading sober blogs …

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What is wrong with me ?

I drank ! Today yesterday and a little the day before !

The wine has run out ! Sitting at home trying to ” stay here” not go and  buy more . Too many things crowding my mind , whirling my thoughts , stealing any peace that I was working towards .

Theres a theoretical trip home coming up ! We don’t have the money , but whenever will we really have the money ? Answer NEVER ! Just do it ! Just go and see your parents while they are still alive .

A big question ? My pups -my boy CJ is old , Paddy also oldish but not so worried about him , my cat has health issues needs meds twice daily … I’m afraid to leave them ! What if CJ dies or gets sick and no one realizes that he’s sick ?

Whst will he think ? Where did they go ? Where’s my mum ? Has she abandoned me ? It seems worse now he’s old …

Plus my husband has not gotten his passport renewed in his usual style of procrastination leaving it until the last minute …. Then trying to get me to do it …. Roping me in somehow making it my fault if it isn’t ready in time . also the narcissism in his pronouncement ” just book the flights , it will come in time ” when he hasn’t even applied for it yet !( In either in expedited form or not )

What to do ? I drank that’s what I did ! I ate nuts and cheese and chocolate ! Emotional consumption my specialty ! if it all falls through it will be his fault ! I’m not getting dragged into what he didn’t do , he will sabotage this trip because really,really , he doesn’t want to go .

Also at my workplace a pronouncement that in 2 weeks there will be something big happening ! Either lay offs or a takeover ! So I’m not going to DO anything ( just to think half an hour ago with the leftover wine inside of me and my finger hovvering over the ” book flights now”  button on Expedia .

I realize that alcohol, even if I’m not drunk , but just a little left over alcohol in my system totally fuels my impulsivity and revs up my racing thoughts even after I have taken some to slow down my racing thoughts and shortly afterwards comes horrible anxiety and suffering and thoughts even more disjointed .

I can’t and I won’t keep doing this ! Continue reading What is wrong with me ?

12 th day … Where to put the feelings !

today is day 12 ! My best friend is dying !

I went to visit yesterday ! I told her I had been drinking and that’s why I hadn’t been there for a while ! I need to go at least once a week !

Driving home I had the worst cravings ! I didn’t know where to put the feelings . I wanted to buy wine in the worst way !

I drive past several wine shops but then I did buy red wine for my hubby for his dinner ! I was making steak risotto and asparagus ! I didn’t drink but I wanted to .

I’ve always told people …. In UK they don’t make a big thing about feelings , you die they put you in the ground ! No fanfare no hoopla !

I realized now that’s not UK that’s my family !

I don’t know what to do with feelings

I stuff them , I drink them into a hole in the ground

I bury and deny them !

Then a client screams at me or is insulting I totally LOOSE IT ! EIther I can’t stop crying or I think I’m being firm and assertive back but I’m just yelling !

I’ll have to figure this out !

2nd week

Im on day eight ! Didn’t drink last night when I thought I might ! Got a lot accomplished and feeling on track .

I spent hours last night reading sober blogs . Some are so wonderful and real , genuine and so well written one  I love is ” Mished-up”.

Today is my fathers 82nd birthday back in UK . I sent him a video and a couple CDs . Talked to him on the phone ! It struck me that when drinking , I don’t talk to my family at all they don’t hear from me . I’m isolating from them , I’m MIA .

So it was s good thing to talk this am . We might go for a visit in October … It would so great to be sober then … It’s a goal . But I’m cautious to see any goal as a zenith point ! ( like I did with the 100 day challenge ) because then what ? Start drinking again ?

I’m planning to see it as a sobriety milestone along the way . I’m learning , what can I say , I’d like a big L plate like they have on Cars in UK for student drivers !

day 8 sober

7-11

Today is my new day seven !

Its eleven o clock in the morning , my husband has left on a two day golf trip and I don’t have to work till Wednesday !!

Crikey ! Danger,Danger,Danger !!!!!! As Steve Irwin , the crocodile hunter used to say .

This could be tricky for me ! I feel too happy , the sun is shining brightly but it’s not humid just a beautiful day !! I’m really mindful of how gorgeous of a day it is ! I’m present in it ! It’s actually blowing my mind .

So this day of possibilities stretches out before me ! I want to clean he whole downstairs of the house , I want to walk the dogs in the park , swim , go grocery shopping ,buy a new rug maybe some new clothes and continue to purge the wardrobes and cleanse our borderline hoarding situation in the basement .

I’ve already had 3.5 cups of coffee and I’m not talking watered down Tim hortons I’m talking hi-test aviation fuel coffee and sugar ! I’m feeling better , my liver stopped hurting , I’m sleeping better ! Everything’s greeeaaaattttt ! Right ???

( shouted )NNNNNNOOOOOO !

these are the kind of days that would get away from me so quickly and would always end in a drunken painful heap !

I can’t just stay in the middle ! I’m bipolar ! I have to spin into orbit ! So I would drink then I would just spin my wheels in some kind of tortured mixed state in the middle ! But that was better than going into a cycle of staying awake for days and spending all kinds of money and doing crazy things .

So I WILL take it slow , take it easy , switch to water , have a loose plan of what I might get done with plenty of room for stillness and reading and meditating ! I will NOT go there ! And when I get started with the therapist I plan to go to ! I will ask her advice .

I don’t think I need meds ,I’ve tried them before and was worse ! ( made me manic ) But I need to be mindful and I need an outlet to express some of these issues !

You might call them feelings , but unfortunately for some of us they are ” States ” .

I’m me , I’m all I’ve got , and I have to live with this ! So I need to quickly find out how to do it without the lead shot in my pockets of alcohol !! Holding me down !

Which always worked well !

But only for the first thirty minutes , you know the rest !

A new day five !

Today is day five !

Got through work yesterday virtually un-triggered ! Managed to drive by the ( many ) different off licenses ! Felt a little tug , but kept on going !

As I posted on someone else’s blog , my car could drive itself to the wine shop ! I swear there are little tracks in the road !

AS Belle advised , I’m doing DIFFERENT !

trying to reach out more to get support from sober bloggers !

Trying to treat myself !

Trying to make lists ! Of what I plan but not getting tangled up in knots if I don’t reach every goal !

trying to eat healthy food with the mindset of it being a “Treat”  not a ” punishment ” ( very important for me , this one )

trying to swim AND walk my dogs EVERY DAY ! Main thing is getting outside !

List # 1 “things I don’t miss ! ”

my purse not FULL of receipts for Chardonnay that spring out through the broken zip like indictments at the oddest moments for others to see !

Dont miss waking up at 2am in panic and dread with horrible palpitations

don’t miss that thing in my mouth , my husband calls it the ” hot coppers” , you know horrible taste in your mouth !

Dont miss my dogs staring at mummy reproachfully because mummy’s too drunk to get up off the couch and take them for a walk !

That feeling of fear and dread the day before I go back to work , trying to drink just the right amount so I won’t be hungover and trying to figure out a cut off point !

List is endless , to be continued !! But for now I’m just grateful to be here , on my new day five !